Swimming in a Pool

When I’m writing about Kolkata, it’s difficult. Because I’m writing in English but the dialogues, the lines, the words come to me in Bangla. It’s different when I write a story in an English setting (or maybe even base it in other parts of India). Then automatically the thoughts are in English. But, where Kolkata is concerned, it is as if I’m simply sieving and translating. Two worlds on different sides of the wall. And that feels wrong. Very very wrong. That is the point where I feel helpless. I know my bangla isn’t strong enough such that I can write a novel in it. And English is what I’m best at. Kolkata is also what I know the best. Hence, it fits to be the setting of my novel. But it is frustrating when after writing two or three pages, I’m staring at the screen, not knowing where the story is going. Because god help me, but how can I expect a Nimai Kaka to address his Memsahib in fluent English. It just sounds so very wrong. At this point I’m extremely close to giving up. And I have, before. On more than a dozen stories I think.

I hate swimming in this frustration pool.

When you lose your poetry

When you lose your poetry to the wind,

it hurts.

Rendered voiceless, you

lie on your bed face down

and let your tears burn holes on the

pillowcase. The unwashed stink sneaks

stealthily and knocks rudely. You hush it

away.

The street lamp stares at you. It doesn’t

know where your poetry is. A single frail

page. GOT watermarked. Blue ink on old

paper. Where’d you go?

Documenting 1.3 : Our Story by Antara and Sourjya

Hi everyone!

Recently, Papercup held its Poetry Slam 0.5 at Oxford bookstore and me and Sourjya decided to participate. This is my second time slamming and Sourjya’s first. Hope you guys like it. 🙂

Love, Antara.

( https://antarachakraborty.wordpress.com/2016/06/25/our-story/ )

May 3 – The Little Things

A little thing.

A few days back, when my exams were still on, as a routine, I asked my dad to iron my kurti for me( since I didn’t have time and was busy revising stuff. Bleh 😛 ). When I came to my room, after my shower, I found (along with the ironed kurti), two little handkerchiefs neatly folded and ironed on my bed.

It made me happy.
As simple as that.
These lil acts of care or whatever you choose to call it, matter to me.
In all probability, I would have hurried and picked up a creasy handkerchief and left. But the fact that dad notices things…and helps me out by doing his bit, means a lot to me. He needn’t have. But he did. And even at 60, he does everything to make my life easier and better. My old man makes me happy. 

Make Believe

 

There are these times… I can just close my eyes… and drown in my world of make-believe.

I wouldn’t need to depend on anyone. I could create my own happiness…

Don’t you ever wonder how you can just put yourself into a messy bad mood even though everything is perfectly fine in your ‘real’ world…?

Moodswings.

Sheer DramaQueen behavior.

Just make believe.

Suit yourself.

Button A. button B.

 

A wild free imagination…

What a whimsical child!

 

A few moments back I could just imagine myself in those white princess dresses with a black sash in the middle dancing away the night with him. Starry night. Twinkling lights. Soft music. And us doing our crazy stuff.

I can’t dance.

Definitely cant fit into one of those princess dresses.

And he is a few hundred kilometers away from me,

 

Sigh!

Let’s  Make Believe.

Old. Old. Old. And Gone.

Okay. So this is like a really really old diary entry. Wayyyyyyy back in 2012.

( I really need to overcome this Writer’s Block. 😐

*super sad face* )

Today is Valentine’s Day. A happy day for most. Meaningless for the happy singles..and a bit sad and awkward for the few heartbroken ones like me.. It is mostly awkward..because..you know..should I wish him? or should I not? I mean we are friends.. but what kind of friends exactly? I call him my best friend.. but then why am I in the weird zone???

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! confusion! confusion!

Nahhh won’t think about it.. I won’t simply think about it..! Problem solved!

But then what exactly was the problem??

GOD! My mind is killing me! It’s weird the way my heart thinks about this and that all day.. Useless Jobless lil thing..!

I mean.. basically.. I spent like two hours looking at his pictures on his profile in Facebook.. (seriously..is this what it has all come down too..? INSANE! The gloom of doom..! )

*sigh! *sigh!

He does look pretty cute.. His hair has curled up a bit more than it was the last time i saw him..  His smile is dazzling as ever..and yes.. He is my charming… and i hope he wil be too after this rough phase is over..

BUNK my life.. n my never ending sad story.. I mean look around you..

There’s plenty of red roses..and balloons..and kisses..and people madly in love.. but who is going to spare a lil bit of thought to the minor group of not-so-loved people? basically no one.. either you can complain.. or cry your heart out thinking it is the end of the world.. and that you will surely die alone.. but hey! who cares a crap about this day anyway? seriously? just one day for love?

THAT is not fair..

But then, I think I’m losing my way to what I wanted to talk about.. if you love someone who loves you more than life.. then you are one of those lucky ones.. and I’m truly happy for you.. but if you are not so fortunate.. then don’t break down.. there is more meaning to life than this..  So, for now,  be  your own valentine.. love yourself a lil more..have chocolates and cakes and do whatever your heart, mind and soul wishes for without a care.. One day even we’ll have someone to share this day with.. someone who will look for us..saying..

I will find out where she has gone,
And kiss her lips and take her hands.
And pluck till time and times are done
The silver apples of the moon,
The golden apples of the sun.
– William Butler Yeats

 

Even my fishes are having plenty of good time..messing around.. and me? I’m here..glued to my laptop..waiting for my cup of evening tea.. this is how I’m spending my Valentine’s Day.. looking back, last year..same day..same time.. life could not have been happier and more perfect.. but right now, this is my life.. THIS is my reality..

A truly awkward and confused article from the heartbroken to the heartbroken.. YES! I understand how you are feeling.. but if no one, here’s me wishing you..

‘HAPPY VALENTINE’S DAY!’

If music be the food of love, play on.
– William Shakespeare

 

-ANTARA CHAKRABORTY

14.02.2012