When you lose your poetry

When you lose your poetry to the wind,

it hurts.

Rendered voiceless, you

lie on your bed face down

and let your tears burn holes on the

pillowcase. The unwashed stink sneaks

stealthily and knocks rudely. You hush it

away.

The street lamp stares at you. It doesn’t

know where your poetry is. A single frail

page. GOT watermarked. Blue ink on old

paper. Where’d you go?

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My First Rejection Letter.

I really thought I could be one of the finalists. I really really did.
So, when I got the letter this afternoon, it killed me.
I opened it, excited. Only to be faced with the worst.
The TV blared in the room. The voices- muffled and distant.
And I just sat there. Unable to feel.
It’s one of those worthless feelings. What use is believing in yourself
if there’s not much to believe in?

It’s a poem I posted here before (deleted before participating.
It’s one that got good reviews).
And one close to my heart.
So you know how it feels.
I haven’t told anyone yet.
I’m a bit embarrassed to be honest.

2015-15-9--16-18-26

Uggh. I’m just plain sad. 

Anyone with similar stories? or anything really..
It would be nice to catch up with you all.

(Mail me at antara5947@gmail.com )

Love and hugs,
Antara 🙂

Full Retard and Hello 2014!

‘Let’s Get Married’

That was all that was there in my head.

Unbelievable.

I was pissed. I was angry.

And that was all that was there in my head.

That one sentence.

 

It had been more than a year.

It was New Years Eve.

He was in Shillong.

But all I could distinctly remember was this desperate intense urge to get married.

Let’s get married and then I could sleep in peace. Go back to my pink blankiee.

I hadn’t even turned 20.

He turned 19 a few days back.

Marriage was just a word. The responsible meaning hadn’t sunk in yet.

All I knew was to get married and a have a chubby kid and a dog and a bird and a hamster and a duck.

Quack. Quack.

The thought of having a duck follow me around the house was pleasing. It was almost satisfactory.

 

I don’t want to get married before 30.

I’m quite sure.

Mind made.

Contradictory stuff, eh?

I do that to myself. Sometimes.

 

I bought a brand new headphone today. It ain’t working.

My happy mood went straight down the drain.

I have been sulking since.

I was pissed. I was angry.

Told you. The very root cause was this unhappy lil thing.

I went full retard after that.

 

I want biriyani. And raita. And kebabs maybe.

 

2013. It has been a great year. I have a lot to be thankful for. Especially my parents for being so supportive and nice and loving and being MINE.

My brother and bhabi. For being awesome as always. Yo! Dada for being the male version of me. And bhabi for being a replica of me. La Lala Lala. It’s a wonderful world.

Mr. Happy. For being the most understanding guy on the planet. And for being MY lovable lil thing. And for all those other things only you know about. Psst. O:)

Abhimanyu. For tolerating me. For having the world’s patience stored up and explaining basic computer stuff to me all year round.

Tathagata(da) for being you and giving me the push I needed. Thanks for believing in me. And for introducing me to that lovable bunch of people. Sobai pagol. ^_^

Sayantan da. For all the advices on acting. You are one of the greatest actors I have seen up close.

Kaushiki. For not forgetting to be my chotto cow. Some insanity is always appreciated.

My school friends. For restoring faith in good old friendship.

Rachaita, Tiasha, Medha. For the food walks. And my mood swings. For keeping the craziness alive.

Alokananda. For sharing The Bell Jar. It is a weird love for Plath.

Shivi, Adi, Appy. For being there. Just. At all odd times.

To my half-JU-half-XAV group. For being random. Fun times. :’)

Sohini di and Shamvabee di. For your fb notes. Your poems. Totally inspiring. Two seniors I love a lot. Respect.

The weird batch of juniors. For being weird. Period. Attooottttaaa bhalobasha. :3

To LIFE , in general. For my loved ones. For the cool internships that came by. For the few times my work got appreciated. For helping me crawl outta my writer’s block. For the kicks(It hurt!). For showing me thou is a prick but that I’ll get by. For..for everything.. I love thee.

 

2014, Darling, please don’t go full retard. Be Good.

(Here’s hoping.)

Death Bound

 

I think I’m dying…

Not literally, of course.

But it’s as if there is this part of me –hidden maybe –however miniscule, that is dead…frozen…coffined…

I don’t know…

There is this unendurable pain crippling down my spine… reaching…connecting…gliding over…

I’m a prisoner in my own carcass…

 

I really do feel dead.

It is sad the way it is.

The hollow emptiness dexterously delineated in my soul.

It is suffocating at times.

 

I need my escape.

Even if for an hour.

Just completely shut the world down… just stay far…FAR away from all its complexities…the favourable lies…the hypocrisy…the masked truths…

Just away from this heaviness…this weight tugging at my heart…which has been pulling me down for quite some time…

I can’t find the firm ground I once stood upon…

 

Art was supposed to relieve me…but it hasn’t… It doesn’t anymore…the impeccable glee I once felt at having my hands covered in paint or blots of ink for that matter…is gone..POOF!!… And it’s gone…vanished into thin air…

*chuckles*

 

Sigh!

I need a way out.

Underachieving…always an underachiever…ALWAYS… it gets to you at times… What a waste of a life…!

 

I really do feel dead sometimes…

But it grows on you…

With time.

 

I saw this girl in a dream of mine…long kohl eyed…with the dance in her steps…the murmur of cascade in her laughter…and happiness… Happiness oozing out from every curve of her being..

I haven’t seen her for quite a while…

I miss her.

I wish I felt more Alive.

 

It’s just I feel Dead most of the time…

A One. Two. Three.

Exams are over. Finally done with them.

Basically, we had a long long holiday..study leave plus summer vacation. about 6 months i think.

But but but..I cant help begging for more. The fact that i will literally have to get up early in the morning tomorrow..drag myself up and go to college and attend boring lectures.. well that doesn’t get me excited.

Bummer.

College was not supposed to be like this. English Honours. What had I expected?

We will read a poem here and there.. a few essays..a bunch of novels..experience new stuff..grow in our creative majesty..and write write write and WRITE..

Who expected to study History and stuff..

I guess its important. But Whatever.

That got me a lil sad.

Just a lil bit.

But sad.

 

So I’m going out for a movie this afternoon. With Ma. Proloy. Supposed to be a good one. She’s been patiently waiting for me to be done with all my exams so that we could go out and have some girly fun. Just like old times.

I want the popcorn. She wants the movie.

Everyone is Happy.

Okay I wanna watch the movie too.

Parambrata Chatterjee is there. And even our Bob Biswas, Saswata Chatterjee.. Need I say more?

 

Yada yada yada.

 

And I’m supposed to be on diet. Hasn’t really worked out so far. Still stuck with “Day1”.  I literally have to shut myself up in my room when the cook is here..

Aloo Bhaja, Mangsho, Jhinge Posto, Amer Chatni, Dimer Dalna…

No. I cannot..Just cannot afford to catch a glimpse of all the delicacies everyone gets to have and I have to have fruits for one whole day.

That’s why it doesn’t work out. The diet.

The Dairy Milk in the refrigerator doesn’t help my case either.

Whatever.

Okay.

Bye now.